PERFECT CARROT CAKE

  North Sea Coffee, Cromer Promenade, Cromer. You are not going to believe this, you are just not. A third carrot cake since lockdown finished and a third thumbs up. Have I turned into a push over during the last year? Now, I know some of you take a perverse delight in the more vitrolic reviews. The more fulminating a condemnation the better. To be honest I miss that too, it can be such a relief, like releasing a long held fart. Its cathartic. But the ultimate aim of these reviews is to praise the perfect carrot cake. So when I do find one it produces a teenage giggle of delight, that penetrates and rattles through the world weary cynicism of my sixty four year old form. So what do I say as I begin my review? Don't lose your perspective. Don't get carried away. Don't be deceived by fusspot and foofy presentation. ( that may just be another Golden Rule right there ) In this case it was somewhat the opposite. Don't be mislead by the first appearance of your cake being ser...

 Two Magpies Bakery, 88. High Street, Southwold, Suffolk The Two Magpies is a petite fronted cafe on the main street of Southwold. They are currently on something of pincer movement across the lowly mounds of Norfolk, with new sites recently opened, or due to open, in Norwich, Blackney and Holt. Stumbling across them on a jolly to a favourite seaside town in Suffolk, was an opportunity to get a sneak preview. Like casually encountering a caravan park arranged on a Stalinist Gulag theme, its not to be overlooked. The Southwold establishment is this aspirational chains source cafe. It is very tiny with only a few tables at the back and to one side of the serving counter. So the emphasis is primarily on takeaway. The first thing to notice is the terrific range of confectionery. I was absolutely wetting myself with glee at the choice. But I was thinking of my duty and devotion to you, dear readers, when I settled on a slice of carrot cake with my standard Flat White chaser. So, lets ge...

 Holt Garden Centre, Holgate Hill, Kelling, Norfolk We were on a mission, to buy a container for a recently bequeathed gooseberry bush. We start off at Holt Garden Centre because its the closest  Venturing further afield should it disappoint, and in the past it has done so, frequently. During the lockdowns  Holt Garden Centre has undergone a massive makeover, setting them back two million pounds. But the outcome of it all is a Garden Centre that knocks spots off most of the local competition. If I were to describe their previous cafe I'd have to say it was amateurish. Always looking if it was run by a gaggle of semi retired volunteers drawn from the Kelling WI - Friends of Holt Garden Centre division. The new cafe is large open, airy and no longer looks as though it was set up in a converted milking shed. Its stylish and spacious. Having quickly made our decision on the pot, we rewarded our aesthetic deliberations with a coffee and cake. And....they had a Carrot Cake. It ...

 Holt, Norfolk I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind.  But.......sometimes a café does not make it easy to be kind. So what follows is my very best attempt to be kind. Hubby and I have during the lock down taken a few longer walks around a country park. This time, because the cafe was now open, we had a coffee and a carrot cake - en plein air. I had no great expectations for either. I was disappointed, nor driven to splutter expletives. But, however, there was something very very wrong about this carrot cake. Quite apart from the cake, which we will come too soon enough, it was the butter cream, it had the most odd flavour. Hubby had the same cake as me and he reliably informs me that the buttercream, rather than being made with butter which its name you would have thought made it obvious what the main ingredient should be, was substituted with baking margarine. Yes, I was shocked too, if not jaw droppingly appalled. Hubby is sure i...

 Sheringham, Norfolk.. It's one measure of the effects of the lock down on the supply of carrot cakes to review. I'm now reduced to reviewing a loaf!  So here goes. Can a carrot loaf be thought of as a cake anyway? Isn't it just a tray bake by another name? Because if it is I refer you to the Golden Rules, they are not a cake. So I'm struck with force of a mallet ie not that subtly - that this loaf off the Market is not one either. Plain and naked, without any decoration, no marzipan carrot facsimiles, thankfully. Its a loaf that is sliced vertically, so its certainly not a wedge. Cakes are cut in wedges. Therefore this loaf is not a cake. Move on. I'm going to proceed as if I've not just said that, and just take this review as an exercise in culinary largesse.  The texture of this 'loaf' was the correct colour - 'Burnt Sienna'  and certainly in the right ballpark texture wise - a soft rubble. The base had the appearance of being slightly under c...

  Waitrose - Carrot & Passion Fruit Cake I understand its difficult to make even a half satisfactory carrot cake in a factory. A true carrot cake is a highly unsuitable recipe for mass production. Its not a sponge cake, its generally heavier than most cakes and hence can be unpredictable in its outcome and cooking time. This is why factory produced carrot cakes invariably turn out to be just spiced sponge cakes, incurring my wrath and wither because, like a drug addict, they can't stop themselves from breaking Golden Rule No 3. Cake makers,  whether in a factory or in a cafe kitchen, can resort to smoke and mirrors, giving a carrot cake an exotic sounding name or ingredient and sticking marzipan carrots on it - they look like a carrot cake - but they're not even a short stroll away from being one. So this Carrrot & Passion Fruit Cake from Waitrose was low in my expectations before I even snapped my lock down eroded dentures around it. They've branded it so because i...

  Perhaps I've erroneously assumed you all knew what The Golden Rules of Carrot Cake are. So I've decided to publish them. Here they all are then,the twelve guideline rules. Those things to look out for and be avoided by those who make carrot cakes and those who eat them. Never have to consume a malformed, unpleasant carrot cake ever again. You can no longer make the excuse that you did not know! Learn them or have your taste buds abused. Golden Rule of Carrot Cake No 1 A spice cake is not a carrot cake. This is blindingly obvious, but I have stomached this sort of fart inducing cake far far too many times. Grating a solitary carrot into a basic sponge mix, then trying to disguise the paltry amount of an essential carrot cake ingredient, by throwing in a whole sack load of mixed spice. This should fool no one of anyone discernment. It's not as if carrots are a rare and expensive root vegetable, they are not bleeding saffron! A bald man wearing a mismatched toupee only attra...